Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
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Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
it was a valiant fight
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face