saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. πππ¦
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My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldnβt miss out on the βgood cerealβ if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I said it out loud and I canβt stop giggling lmao
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasnβt talking to me anymore.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wifeβs ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I donβt think Iβd even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, βnothingβ when they ask whatβs wrong.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasnβt he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasnβt him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
βIβm sorry Iβm late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all nightβ
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: itβs called an hourglass
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Iβm happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks