[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
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Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
😲 WTF? 😆
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.