Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
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me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Tell the colonel to bring it
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.