Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
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hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
some Old Testament wisdom
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Rather alarming headline…
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.