Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
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stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.