Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
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Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Living the best life.. 😊
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them