MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
You Might Also Like
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Me, flirting😏
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.