Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
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to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
A roof is a house hat.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
U talkin 2 me?
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
What about second breakfast?
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg