Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
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When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Finally, an explanation.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing