Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
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Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs