Go girl power!
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*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Body by sandwich.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*