Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
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me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Shower sex be like:
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.