Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
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People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
The government even made aliens boring
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.