Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
You Might Also Like
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.