This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
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When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.