[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
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Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Me too door. Me too.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present