wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
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ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?