The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
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When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I’m confused about plants
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
This will never not be funny to me.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.