Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
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Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
? 💀
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
buying dead houseplants to save time
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.