My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
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Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg