As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
You Might Also Like
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL