coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
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If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment