Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
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them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?