you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
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Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive