The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Do not steal food from the science building!
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.