Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
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[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it