Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
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Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
nice challenge
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*