Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
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There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
“you changed” bro i was 15
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.