How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
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People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Yoga Matt
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”