My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
You Might Also Like
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
BETRAYAL
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00