“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
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Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*