Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
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you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.