Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
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Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Well, that should do it
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate