[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
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okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
You deplete me
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.