Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
You Might Also Like
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.