“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
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Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
#parenting
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?