Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
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keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.