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Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?