doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
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This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.