TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
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Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
They’re on their honeymoon
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.