the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
You Might Also Like
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Breaking news:
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.