[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
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[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
This is the one
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
bears
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.