Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
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LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
i love modern commerce
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.