i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
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[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.