Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
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I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN