More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
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I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
My whole life was a lie.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.