It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
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Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL