Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
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I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Tell me you get it…🤣
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Great game to play with friends
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.