Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
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‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
A customer told me they were never coming back….
how it started vs how it ended
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.